Can’t Trust Pregnant Women

This probably plays to my paranoia more than anything, but sometimes I can’t tell if someone is pregnant or if they are just faking it. I remember watching some sitcom as a child, and it was a Christmas episode.

The father returns home, holding a pillow, and looking visibly distraught. When his family asks what happened, he explained that he had bought all the Christmas gifts for everyone at the mall, and when he was leaving he saw a pregnant woman standing by a car that had a flat tire. And in the Christmas spirit, he decides to stop and get out to help her. As he approached the tire to see how flat it was, the “pregnant” lady hits him with a pillow that she had under her shirt to look pregnant. Then she jumps into his car and drives off. Meanwhile, someone pops up from the pregnant lady’s car and drives off that car. Leaving the sitcom father holding a pillow in the mall parking lot without a car and without the family’s Christmas gifts.

That stuck with me for some reason. The sense to do good, but then have something bad happening to you. Chivalry but at a cost.

So, I was at Target the other day, looking in the grocery section at family microwave meals. Is a prime rib meal really that good? While, I was in my mental dilemma of dinner options, from the corner of my eye, I notice a lady in black approaching me. She looked pregnant, but she was wearing a work shirt for a local day spa. She looked at me, and I started to wonder if my mouth was ajar as I imagined the taste of microwaved brisket.

But no, she looked at me because I was taller than her and she needed some help. She asked me if I could get some of the liquid egg cartons that were on the top shelf of this open fridge display. I ask, if she wanetd the small version or if she wanted the large one. She said the large one, which required me to really tippy-toe reach up and expose my back to her.

And that’s when it happened. My mind went back to that Christmas episode and the fake pregnant lady. Was I this lady’s mark? As my back turned was she going to hit me and then roll me for my wallet?

I got her the first carton of eggs. And was not mugged. Bullet dodged as my mind thought. Then the pregnant lady asked for more, she wanted 3 of the large liquid egg cartons. So, I turned around again and this time I felt like this might be it.

I might get mugged in a Target grocery section by a 5 foot tall non-pregnant lady.

But alas, nothing of my imagination happened. I was fine. But I still leered at the pregnant lady trying to understand if she was pregnant, and then trying to understand how hungry she must be to be utilizing three large liquid egg cartons. Also, since she was pregnant, I wondered how she worked at the spa and if she was a massage therapist and if the pregnancy belly would get in the way of it all.


The Meaning of True Love

Movies and books and most any “love stories” often have an explanation of what true love is or what it can do.  True love will find one another like Snow White and Prince Charming in the show Once Upon A Time.  Death cannot stop true love for Wesley and Buttercup in The Princess Bride

But what does true love mean to me?

Butt cheeks.

True love to me is two butt cheeks.  Because no matter what crap happens between you two, you remain together. It may get dirty, and probably stink at times, but you remain together.

It just is right.

Have you ever seen a one-cheeked person? I haven’t, but I imagine it’d be peculiar, interesting, and then mildly sad. When they sit down, they’ll always be at a slant and feel like they just parked on a hill. It’s like something is missing.

What’s true love mean to you?

han solo looks like he's holding air boobs.

Man thoughts – Conversations – Girlfriends and Food

scenario: Kitchen – office setting.

man 1 enters and pulls a tofu sandwich out of his lunch bag. Sees friend (man 2).

man2: “Hey, man. I didn’t know you’re a vegetarian.”

man1 “Oh. This. Nah, I’m not. You see my girlfriend is a vegetarian, so she made me this.”

man2 “That’s cool of her to do that.”

man 1 “Yea. She doesn’t eat meat, like chicken, pork, or beef. She even cut out eggs and whole milk. Me. On the other hand, I like to eat anything, well, except vagina of course. Man’s gotta have his limits.”

man2 “…”

han solo looks like he's holding air boobs.

Cheetah and tree

You know how traffic could be worse?

Traffic just by itself is not fun- being bumper to bumper with the cars around you, making little to no progression to your destination. That’s kinda how it is living in a place where commuting is normal.

But on the bright side, you’re in your car.  You have air conditioning to keep you cool. You got a radio for entertainment, and you have the option to close your windows to shut out the outside noise and smells of other cars and drivers and cigarettes. It’s not as bad as it could be.  I mean what if you were in traffic and everyone had horses!


There’s no air conditioning on a horse. And, horses tend to poop freely even while walking. So in horse traffic, your horse is libel to step in the fresh poop of another horse. So by the time you get home, your horse is likely to have brought in poop from the freeway. Also, the general smell of a horse isn’t all that alluring. Doubtfully, would there ever be a “horse” cologne.

So with that perspective, maybe traffic ain’t all that bad. Just imagine a worse scenario like having to ride a horse for 2 hours to work and back.


Imaginary Conversations in My Brain

scenario: bathroom – office setting.

man 1 enters and washes his hands. Sees friend (man 2).

man2: “you wash your hands before you use the restroom?”

man1: “yea, well, its cause i just ate a burger and my hands kinda smell like meat, so i dont want to get that smell on my junk.”

man2: “oh ok.”

man1: “yea. plus my girlfriend’s a vegetarian so you know.”

make sense? cause sometimes i wonder if i do or not.


That time of the month to talk about vaginas…

So there was an episode of Modern Family this past week that talked about how sometimes when girls are living together, their body cycles synch up, which means they start having the same day for their period. And that happens.  I don’t know how, but it happens. And if you think about it, it is really kinda weird.

It’s like the vaginas are somehow communicating with one another.  Telepathically, perhaps? Whispers in the night?

Regardless of the manner in which the communication happens, it just makes me wonder how the conversation goes. Maybe something like:

Vagina 1, “Hey Vagina 2, how are you doing?”

Vagina 2, “Heavy.”

Vagina 1, “Oh bother, that’s not good. So, you’ll be like this for the next seven days, huh?

Vagina 2 sigh, “yea…”

Vagina 1, “Hmm. Well that doesn’t really work for me.  How bout we synch up next month, and then you won’t feel as bad.”

Vagina 2, “Sounds great! Thanks Vagina 1!”

Or not.


5 Foot 10 Inch Man Eating Chicken

…Do you remember as a kid going to a public pool for the first or second time. You’d splash in the water and try to swim and you sometimes take a gulp of the water by mistake. And for a moment, it’s different – it’s like tasty and you almost kind of like it. On a hot summer day, it seems refreshing. But, then, as you grow older or wiser, you realize… that pool water is just full of bacteria and chlorine and pee pee and all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to swallow, cause it’s killing ya.

Well, I kinda relate that to sweet and sour sauces from fast food places like McDonalds or Wendy’s. And it’s like I dip the chicken nugget in the sauce and I eat it. And at first you have that “oooh” enjoyable sweet and sour taste. Then, you swallow, you realize that that shit is full of preservatives and chemicals and all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to swallow, cause its killing ya.

So that’s my thought.

And yet, its like a shampoo directions, 1. Wash. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat. and the cycle continues.



I had a humanity rocks moment. (it’s where you do something that humanity has done/created i guess. read on to understand > )

I was eating chicken nuggets from Wendy’s, and I dropped half of a nugget in the sweet and sour sauce. I was like damn. I could have been medieval and just grabbed that shit and gotten some sweet and sour on my fingers. But I didn’t want to do that, cause then I’d have to get up and go wash my hands. So I was like HUMAN MOMENT!

MAN invents TOOLS!

And I took two crispy fried fries and fabricated some chopsticks to take it out! well. It was more of a lever action to get it out.



Chik-Fil-A advertising is kinda morbid if you think about it. It’s usually just Cows holding up signs, that say “Eat More Chikn” or something of that nature. But it’s COWS who don’t want to be eaten telling you to eat another animal! It’s like they have feelings like us humans. It’s like the great Homer Simpson once said, “What? You can’t kill him if he’s wearing people clothes!”



I remember seeing a booth at the South Florida fair with a the sign that said, “6 Foot Man Eating Chicken.” And it had a picture of a huge chicken. After you pay one dollar, you go inside the booth and see a 6 foot man eating a bucket of chicken. It was just a sentence, but the way it was advertised, it makes you think there’s a huge 6 foot tall chicken, who eats humans. It’s all how you present an idea.