fi_mnms

Men Have Penises and Women Have Vaginas…

Because my mind is weird like that….

So. They say men have better hand eye coordination cause of like the old school innate hunting skills of way back when. So it’s embedded in our psyche slightly. but really, I think it just boils down to anatomy.

Not to say men are born with better eyesight or a bigger brain to process motion and movement and aim or whatnot. Simply put, we have penises. And when we pee, we have to aim to make sure we don’t pee on ourselves. Additionally, for the most part, I hope we aim so we hit the urinal or the toilet and not the ground (when applicable).

So with such practice, it just makes sense that it correlates to better general hand eye coordination.

 

or am i just crazy?

or sexist?

or simply dumb?

fi_clouds

Quick Bits – Underwear

You know… it sounds silly, but I like fresh just washed and dried underwear. You know, when it’s still warm from the dryer. And then you put it on and its like such an all encompassing warmth. It’s like three warm hands are cradling you – two for your bum, and one for your crotch.

But it’s not like it’s molesting you. It’s just really supportive and comforting in some weird fashion. No?

However, then I think about the possible repercussions of putting on warm to hot underwear on. I’m a man. So, having warmth on my goods isn’t that good for my troops. So, although it is interesting and nice feeling, I often have to not do it – for the sake of my future children.

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Crotchless panties. It’s so you can air out the parts up front but still have that support in the back. So, if you decide to poop, you now have a carriage.

—

Crotchless panties. It’s like saying, ‘Hey. This is way more functional than having a zipper or a clothe porthole.”

—

fi_ginger

Puppy Nipples

New things are new, when you’re not use to them.  I never owned a dog before. So, when my family got one, I wasn’t sure how to react or how to behave.  I’m a cat person.  We’ve had cats before, and it is simple. Cats do what they want, but when they come to you for affection, you react and you pet their head or stroke their back. Or you simply let the cat rub against your leg and you don’t have to do anything.

But a dog is a dog.  Different, and yet similar. For example, when Ginger, our cute new female mini-schnauzer, came to me with a toy in her mouth, she’d roll over.  My sister told me that that is the sign that Ginger wants her belly to be rubbed.

And yea that seems fine and normal and stuff, but like most females she’s got nipples;  but, unlike a human, a dog seems to have more than two nipples, about eight or something. So, I’m not really just rubbing her belly; the eight-some nipples are spaced out and seem to cover the “belly” area. Basically, I’d be rubbing the puppy’s nipples… and that seems kinda wrong to me.  No?

Now I’ve never had a male dog before, and all the male dogs that I’ve met I’ve never thought to rub their belly either.  I’ve heard stories about male dog’s penis coming out (red rocket?). I’ve never studied dog anatomy, so I’m not exactly sure how abouts a dog’s penis works. I mean if it’s an “‘innie” and only comes out when aroused or that time of day type thing. Still, I’d hate to think while rubbing a male dogs tummy, his penis comes out to say hello to me. That’s just weird. And awkward… very awkward.

So instead of rubbing the lower “belly” area of Ginger, I keep my hand above it and aim between her front limbs, the area where on a human there would be nipples. Or I pet her head or sides, any place that’s not the nipples.

I’m probably being paranoid, because humans and dogs are different. So, it’s okay. I mean I can leave my puppy in a cage [crate] during the daytime, whereas, its deemed inappropriate to leave a baby in the crib during the daytime. Or more obvious, is that I can use a cage on a dog, but oh no, can’t put a human baby in a cage. A crib is a type of caging, but its not the same ‘cage’ as used on a dog or animal in general. (Technically, the difference is the the whole open top thing of a crib vs an enclosed crate/cage).

fi_jeans

Pants Magician – Belts

Pants. Belts. Sometimes you have to accessorize with a belt.  Be it fashion or function or perhaps both. And that’s fine.  Belts have a purpose. But I don’t really like it.

It’s during the point of urination, when I don’t particularly like having a belt on. I’m the type of personality that likes to un-belt, unbutton, and unzip my pants in order to pee.  I don’t like just unzipping, cause then that means I’d have to use the porthole. The porthole – the slot in your underwear/boxer, where the penis can come out for air.  It’s just weird to me.  I feel like a pants magician if I have to go through the slot.

You know, a pants magician. It’s like pulling a rabbit from a hat. but really it’s just me digging in the porthole. Drum roll. Slight dramatic pause. Abracadabra! Penis!

So. Belt. Convenient to hold up my pants, but a bit bothersome when it comes to peeing. Just another step in the process.  Maybe that’s why I never dug overalls as a child.  The two clips on top over the shoulders was one too many clips for my little hands to deal with.

fi_relationships

Relationship Advice

Understandably, I am not a guru of love… But here are some proper things to keep in mind when you want a successful relationship with your significant other.

  • Friendship (you want to be best friends with your mate).
  • Understanding (so you can understand each others feelings)
  • Communication (you want to be able to express your feelings)
  • Kiss (you want to end every discussion or moment with a kiss, as it shows your feelings for them).

So as long as you keep the principles of F.U.C.K. in mind, you can make it through any relationship issues.

 

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too raw? or just ok? amusing? or just plain stupid? be honest.

Scenes in My Head – Bathroom

Sometimes I just think of random situations or scenarios. Just skits I suppose. Here is one of them:

Setting: bathroom.

Man 1 enters and washes his hands. Sees friend (Man 2).

Man 2: “You wash your hands before you use the restroom?”

Man 1: “Yea, well, it’s cause I just ate a burger and my hands kinda smell like meat, so I don’t want to get that smell on my junk.”

Man 2: “Oh ok.”

Man 1: “Yea. plus my girlfriend’s a vegetarian so you know.”

and…scene.

 

—

 

get it?

Perhaps, I should be a screenwriter…

today, my mechanic informed me, ‘you have too much junk in your trunk”.
and with a raise eyebrow, i put down my bagel.

…
Setting: Tower Records

Characters:
1 Male, 18-22yrs old, store clerk
1 Male, mid-20s, customer purchasing music CDs.

Customer, “oh, hi. i noticed that this CD was listed as 11.99 on the website. but it’s 16.99 here.”
Clerk, “uh huh. well, why didnt you buy it online?”
Cust, “oh, because i wanted to get it now, instead of waiting for it to be delivered.”
Clerk,”oh ok. well, in that case, thats a “now” charge.”
Cust, “what? thats crazy.”
Clerk,”yea, well you’re crazy.”, points finger.
Cust,[confused look], “you must hate your job.”
Clerk,”of course! except for moments like these.”

———-

so that didn’t happen, but the thought occurred…in my head. even though i’d be the customer and the clerk would be the clerk. but it just amuses me, like my other made up one about teh supermarket. here it is again! cause it makes me laugh cause its more raw than the above one.

——-
setting: supermarket – the rice and pasta aisle.

Characters:
1 caucasian male shopper, 30-40 yrs old, curiously confused.
1 chinese male shopper, early 20s, easily disgruntled.

caucasian male, “Excuse me, can you help me?”
asian male, “um. sure, what do you need?”
cm, “I’m looking at all these rices here, and what do you suggest is a good type of rice grain?”
am, “you’re looking at the rices and you’re asking me whats the best one?…”
cm,”Yes” (blink blink)
am, “its jasmine, its good.”
cm,”Thanks. I could tell you know whats a good type of rice.”
am, “… ok. now that i helped you, maybe you can help me.”
cm,”Sure.”
am, “heres a picture of my two sisters… can you suggest which one i should fuck?”
cm,”…” (runs away)
am, “hey, where are you going? what? i can’t ask you something you might know about?”

——–
brain = imagination station, and the train has already left…
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